Aries, March 21st–April 19th: Some babies skip crawling altogether and go straight to butterfly stroke.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: Tube strike? Oh Christ, I thought you said YouTube strike. No, it’s London, I don’t give a f**k.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: “You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and ask me for her hand in marriage? Isn’t that a bit late?”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: Bit desperate to secure the next Bond theme aren’t we, Dua Lipa?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: Despite being shiny, cheap and entirely waterproof, its reputation sadly discourages people from adopting the entirely practical tinfoil hat.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: Meet the new boss! Same as the old boss! Wait, actually that is just the old boss. Sorry.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: French teachers are fascinating, as they despise you for not speaking their language well even though their livelihood depends on it.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: And in non-alcoholic mocktails, we’ve got Sex In the Bedroom and a Parking Attendant Martini.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: “Nice legs, what time do they open?” – me, chatting up an antique wingback Chipperdale leather armchair.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: “I’d shag, marry, kill Rebekah Vardy. In that order.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: Serena Williams is making a comeback? Big deal. Call me when Kenneth Williams does the same. I’d be the first in line at Cineworld to see Carry On Wimbledon.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: Originally Auden wrote ‘I thought that JLS would last forever: I was wrong’ but changed it to ‘love’ because JLS would not form for 70 years and would not split until 2013.