Aries, March 21st–April 19th: Sad that if you enjoy seeing men masturbate your only two career paths are IVF nurse or OnlyFans model. Angel or devil, in society’s eyes.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th: Sure, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys, but before long they’ve typed you the complete works of Shakespeare. So monkey-wise it’s a mixed bag.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st: They announce Barbenheimer 2 and everyone’s just ‘Yeah, I think I quite liked the first one?’

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd: “I’m not being funny, but modern slavery is a problem that’s rampant the world over. What? I said I wasn’t being funny.”

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd: [camera panning across used bandages, disposable syringes, discarded PPE] “This isn’t just waste. This is medical-grade waste.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd: It takes two to conga, but ideally you want at least six.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd: Did America invent mules? Because that’s f**king shameful on us if we didn’t at least try.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd: ‘There’s always one, isn’t there?’ you say, comforting zero.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st: You can sing the old Scout song about the Quartermaster’s stores to be about Quatermass’s whores. Crowd-pleasing stuff at any sci-fi convention for the over-70s.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th: Sorry, but if the Romans were so silly as to leave all their coins and rings in fields for us to find, they don’t get them back.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th: Forgot how to count to ten? Use this simple memory trick: Obi ONE Kenobi, Desmond TWO TWO, THREE Nelson Mandela, Age beFOUR beauty, Maroon FIVE, The Birmingham SIX, SEVEN maids-a-milking, Who EIGHT my last Rolo? NINE NINE NINE with Michael Buerk and Tim Henman was alright at TENnis.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th: Forget ethical non-monogamy. Do unethical monogamy and rob banks together.