THE Bank of England has announced the 18-strong shortlist of beasts for British banknotes and the country is in uproar. Which will you go to war to be included? 

Roy Hobbs, retired: “Putting the buff-tailed bumblebee in there is clear bias toward bee-tattooed Andy Burnham. Instead I shall be backing the common frog, in honour of Nigel Farage.”

Hannah Tomlinson, dog groomer: “Dolphins? Doesn’t King Charles already own them? Now he wants them on the £50 on the flip side of his jowly face? The ego on this prick.”

Steve Malley, cobbler: “If I pick the pine marten, will people think it’s because I’m pining for Martin? Because I’m not. I never even think about him these days. You brought him up.”

Helen Archer, physiotherapist: “The hedgehog because they’re flat aren’t they, like money is. Or they are when I see them.”

Martin Bishop, cave diver: “Christ, put together like this our animals really are shit, aren’t they? It’s no wonder we nicked the lion for England shirts.”