The upcoming 2026 World Cup is expected to be such a horrible, dispiriting tournament that it would actually make sense for England to win it. Held across three nations, only one of which likes football, with venues thousands of miles apart, the event promises ticket prices higher than ever and games in blazing sunshine where you're not allowed to take water.

With so many teams participating, it's a wonder Vatican City isn't playing, making the opening 104 group games predictably boring and scheduled at inconvenient hours. The event largely takes place in Trump's America, where a train to the stadium could set you back $100, non-white attendees might face detention by ICE, and men in MAGA hats could shoot you and expect presidential pardons.

Steve Malley of Mansfield commented, "Yep, it’s a shameful occasion that makes a mockery of football. The stars are all aligned for an England win. I can see a route to the final across eight cities, ten grand in flights, more in tickets, advert breaks, halftime shows by Kid Rock and Morgan Wallen, and becoming champions due to a disputed penalty while Hollywood stars in $36,000 seats don’t bother watching."

"Still, it’ll be fantastic to see them on that podium, standing behind Trump while he holds the Jules Rimet trophy and beams like a shitting toddler. What a moment of national shame."