JEREMY Clarkson has made such a success of his farm that in his new series he engages in sexual congress with a sheep so nobody notices.

The cold-buffet-crazed, producer-punching former Top Gear presenter made Clarkson’s Farm to prove how impossible life is for Britain’s farmers, but instead made a great deal of money, and is sodomising livestock to draw attention away from that.

Clarkson said: “Government has made farmers’ lives intolerable. Unfortunately, my show proving that has proved the exact opposite and I look a twat, as usual.

“Consequently, in order for my political opinions to be vindicated, I set out to show that government has made pub landlords’ lives intolerable. But the car park’s full every weekend and my beer’s taken off countrywide.

“I therefore had no option but to corner Flossie, drop the Barbour waxed trousers and give her one right there in the paddock. To prove that government, specifically any Labour one, is making the lives of right-thinking bestialists like myself intolerable.

“Unfortunately seeing me pumping away red-faced shouting ‘take it you bloody ruminant’ is great television, the queue for Flossie reaches two miles long at weekends and she’s making me six grand a night.

“Why does everything I touch turn to gold? Why must I live with this curse?”