In an initiative designed to expand the administration’s recruitment base beyond its current pool of MyPillow executives, television doctors, and Fox News hosts, the UFC Freedom 250 event will reward any fighter who sustains a traumatic brain injury with a senior government role.

The event, held on the White House lawns in celebration of the country’s 250th Anniversary and Donald Trump’s 80th birthday, has been described as a groundbreaking new talent pipeline program. “We’re always on the lookout for qualified candidates,” a White House spokesperson said at a briefing today. “After a few rounds in the octagon, these guys will have exactly the kind of cognitive profile we’re looking for”.

The spokesperson said they were excited about the potential of the new talent initiative. “We had a guy last month who couldn’t remember what day it was, couldn’t complete a sentence without losing his train of thought and kept insisting he was winning despite all available evidence. That’s the President I’m talking about of course. But we’re hoping to find other people like him through this process”.

Under the program – nicknamed Concussion to Cabinet – fighters will be assessed for suitability based on their inability to recall the sequence of events that just occurred, absolute certainty that they are correct despite video evidence to the contrary, and a willingness to continue taking hits while insisting everything is fine.

The White House dismissed concerns from neurologists, pointing out that neurologists have not won a single UFC fight and are therefore unqualified to comment.

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Headline by Anthony Bell